


a real human being (and a real hero)

by buckshot_lariat



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Axel is the limited first person pov and everyone else is p much just mentioned, Bittersweet Ending, Diary/Journal, Game: Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, Game: Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories, Gen, Identity Issues, Introspection, Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days Spoilers, Nobodies (Kingdom Hearts) - Freeform, Nothing big, POV First Person, Sibling Love, ask to tag, being a nobody sucks and axel experiences this firsthand, it's only a slight au bc i'm warping and detailing some stuff, or: axel adopts two children and they give him a heart before he can ask for a refund
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 13:28:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18032597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckshot_lariat/pseuds/buckshot_lariat
Summary: There's a blue covered journal, singed and forgotten, somewhere in the Woods on the outskirts of Twilight Town.The beginning pages of the book have been burned away completely, only fringes of paper left in the worn spine, but dense, cramped handwriting begins on the first intact page, the edges of the remaining pages darkened by the flames that had eaten the rest of it.The top corner of the book is charred, but blocky letters in the inside cover persist, reading —XEL, VIII.





	a real human being (and a real hero)

**Author's Note:**

> [title is from the song A Real Hero by College feat. Electric Youth]  
> hello im not dead! i finally wrote something that isnt wrestling related, can you believe it? me neither! anyway!
> 
> long story short, i used to be into kh despite only having like. two of the manga and only playing 358/2, but finally reunited with the series recently! and such, got emo abt the spiky lad, which in turn sparked this hot mess when i reread thru the secret reports for the millionth time! hello, i'm ryan, and i only know how to write tragedies, character introspection, identity issues, and character stuff!

Eight days in with Roxas, and I feel like a glorified babysitter. A new member was brought in though, to Roxas’ limited fascination. They didn’t remove their hood, but their name is Xion, No. XIV.

They already pawned Roxas on me. It might just be because of how freaky he is, but I have a feeling I’ll have to keep an eye on Xion now, too, because they seem just about as much of blank slate as Roxas is. He seemed worried about them, absentminded. More than usual.

Kid can’t remember anything. I’ve made it a habit of quizzing him every once in awhile, making sure he keeps the important stuff memorized. One slip and he could be on thin ice.

One slip can be a life, yours, if you aren’t careful.

I just can’t puzzle why he has a hard time remembering much anyway. Just what are they doing to recruit Nobodies? Something new, that takes memories away? Whatever it is, I’ll keep an eye out. At least I won’t be bored. Roxas is a decent enough fighter, no magic at his disposal but for a kid with no memory, he really isn’t that bad. The main downside other than the magic thing is how spacey he is. I do better as a partner than a babysitting mother hen to a Nobody I don’t have any reason to worry over. At least it's not like Nobodies can feel worry, anyway.

As long as he keeps focused in the action and knows the minimum amount of teamwork, I shouldn’t need to watch for both of our necks in the field, but I know if he gets taken out while under my wing, it’s bad news for me. I suppose I’ll make sure he retains everything I taught him during today’s mission, his first on the job. I had to make sure he was actually listening and understand everything, damn kid doesn’t pick up social cues that well. He really is a zombie.

I think I might have been a bit rough with him about it when he made a rookie mistake, forgetting that he actually is one. Worse off, for lack of his memories. I decided to treat him to Twilight Town, help him get some more existence experience under his belt. Roxas absorbs every word, every sound, everything like a sponge. Helpful. I made sure to swing by my favorite spot. The kid’s ultimately harmless, might as well show him where I disappear off to in some of my free time if he ever needs me.

I even introduced him to Sea-Salt ice cream today. Icing on the cake, even if the kid didn’t understand the saying. Turns out he hasn't even been filling out reports! Reports are the worst, but contain useful information, whether you steal it or submit it for leads later, a good habit to get into. The journal I gifted him… I suppose maybe it could help with his amnesia, writing everything out. Both are important, I tried to stress, but I think he’s lost on what to actually write in the journal. I just hope he remembers to do it. I told him to get it memorized, get into the flow and make it a habit, but I don’t think he understood that either.

Weird kid.

 

* * *

 

Roxas was at my hip again today, another mission I assisted with.

The kid’s duller than a box of rocks and nearly as dumb. Jumped straight into the action with no warning, no sound. Not even a glance, other than a twitch in his expression. Gods, is this kid really my responsibility? I think he was trying to... Not copy me, per se, but maybe take a similar approach. Only problem is, most of my physical strategy is nearly a decade practiced and rehearsed, my own personal style with flair and the right amount of caution to the wind, knowing my own limits, physical and magical. He must've been picking up cues and stances from me.

The kid got wiped out early on. Needs to learn _basic_ magic tiers at the minimum. As obnoxious as it is that I’m still being partnered with him, at least I’m there to keep him from stabbing himself on his own blade.

In other curious news, Roxas finally seems to be picking up on vocal inflections, even if he struggles with facial expressions and body language. Could be his memory coming back in. I should probably report it, but the kid’s like a... well, kid. Dangerous is a prerequisite, and being the Keyblade master’s Nobody meets that requirement, but I don’t see it. At least not yet, anyway.

I don’t know how many more times I’m gonna stick my neck out for him in battle, but at least he seems to have a grip on the basics, so I don’t have to keep an eye on him at all times.

Overall the mission was a success, so I took him up to Twilight Town’s clock tower with some more ice cream. When we entered the town, a few kids ran by. He seemed interested, if confused. Asked me why they did that. I didn’t really have an answer for him. I just told him that’s what people with hearts did. Run around and make noise. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a heart. I don’t feel sorrow, really. Just feel the large ravine, the gap that time has created, separating me from the Axel I am now and the Lea I used to be. The heart I had so long ago. A lifetime.

Roxas really stumped me when he asked why I wanted to eat ice cream with him on the tower again. I told him it was because we’re friends. I suppose we are, by now. He seemed thoughtful at the word, but all I could think of to explain was Lea and Isa, what they… we, used to do together. It really was a lifetime ago. Years, long, infinite years stretching from the youth we’d been to the adults we are currently. I wonder what kind of heartful young adults we would’ve been if we had hearts by now.

I tried not to think about it too hard, focusing on Roxas instead. I told him to meet me at the tower after the next mission. Moving mindlessly between missions and the castle is so boring. I don’t think I want that to be all my new friend knows of his life.

We’re friends now… I guess I can only hope he keeps it memorized.

 

* * *

 

Roxas mentioned the Sea-Salt tastes familiar. I proposed maybe it meant he was getting some memories back, but nothing else was coming to him. He’s not eager but something akin to it when he shows me his magic one of our afternoons together. I think some of Larxene’s pride is rubbing off on him, because he’s almost cocky, proud of the basic-tiered magic he’s managed so far.

He’s also been training with the other members, but he doesn’t seem to enthusiastic about it. I can’t judge whether that’s because he doesn’t like them or just doesn’t care. He had a good enough time with me, I guess. Not as blank as he is when he talks about them compared to verbally thinking and reciting what I’ve taught him, what he says when he talks about me. It's almost fond. Friendly.

Odd, but maybe it’s just memory seeping through to him. Maybe he’s just learning. Maybe it’s because we’re _friends,_ or whatever.

Being friends with me is trouble, even when an ally with the Organization, so I’ll make an effort to spar with him later.

 

* * *

 

The hero with the key must’ve made a move, because they’ve pushed the Castle Oblivion plan up. His Nobody still isn’t much for conversation or even any kind of body language, but he actually seemed genuinely shocked when I told him I’d be gone for awhile. I told him I would miss eating ice cream with him on the tower and… I think I meant it, a little. He’s getting better at facial expressions, though, because after the shock came a little bit of disappointment and sorrow, before morphing into a touch of what was maybe joy after I explain C.O. and enunciate that I was telling him because we’re friends.

The kid’s an open book. Still a fawn, a real _kid._ I think he likes that we’re friends. Sitting with company on the tower with someone to speak to, even if he doesn’t always speak back, is better than sitting in twilight with only the memories to haunt me. I had to leave early to prepare, but at least that prickle of… whatever that came at the thought of leaving without telling him is gone.

I can’t stand that confused look. If he had the memories to express it, he would look like a kicked puppy.

 

* * *

 

Everything has gone off track. Not to ruin, but there were more issues than I hoped to cause or have to deal with. The Keyblade master has more fight in him than I thought, throwing the whole affair up in flames. Luckily, flames are my speciality, even when everything goes to hell in a handbasket. Just a sharp left turn and little more.

The Replica Program… I’ve uncovered a lot but the other one isn’t here. Gone without a trace.

There was a casualty, though. Vexen, caught up in it all. A pity, but not something that could be avoided. A calculate risk, but too big of one in the end. I couldn’t chance them getting their hands on the Program. It is what is it, a snap of the fingers and it’s more or less done. Faster than it would've been if I had time, but there's no room in the schedule for an extracurricular, packed as it is.

A bigger problem are the traitors. The ones who will get in his and my way, not the turncoats. (Nobody here has any tact, how obvious they are. Maybe it comes with being a Nobody?)

The Keyblade master, at the end of the day, is not our enemy.

Marluxia, Vexen, Larxene, Zexion…

 

* * *

  

The orders were to end the traitors, but now, alone in the castle, everyone else destroyed… I wonder if I fall under that category.

~~Why do I feel this way?~~

 

* * *

 

I finally got to catch Roxas after his mission. After the chaos at Oblivion, it was a nice change of pace, of atmosphere. A breath of fresh air, surfacing from the atmosphere of the castle. It's like what happened was a whole different time, a whole different life. Before he even saw me, he looked stressed. Lines in his face deep, looking tense in his coat.

He looked like he’d seen a ghost, white as a sheet when I revealed myself. He says he was worried. He seems more… alive, than when I left. I suppose the world doesn’t stop because Axel gets a longer term mission. Very heartful of him to miss me, though. I think I appreciate the thought that he would miss me, had been worried at the thought of me being annihilated. I think I may have the smallest, vaguest idea of that, memories of my time with a heart, but it’s odd that Roxas, local teenage amnesiac without either of those, claims to feel these emotions. Nobody's don't feel those sorts of things, but I can understand his confusion.

He's… my memories tell me he's sweet. Innocent. Roxas seems so detached from the lies, secrecy, conspiracy, paranoid, all of it. I hope he doesn't get involved.

He ran off for ice cream, rushing past as though he wanted to savor every moment before we would have to return to the castle for rest or another mission. Roxas has become a quick, witty little thing while I’ve been gone. He called me out when I mention that I hadn’t reported back yet, came to sort myself out first. Reminded me of my own barbs that claim I have no heart. We shared a laugh, even as the comments collected at the back of my mind. Castle Oblivion… Roxas is right about the heart thing.

Why _did_ I go to Twilight Town before reporting back? I suppose not even I left the castle untouched by what transpired.

On a lighter note, he told me he’s made friends with Xion. Promised ice cream together, on the tower. There’s a slight upturn to the corners of his lips, a faint ember in his eyes when he looked at me. I think he wants us to all be friends, to do _friend things,_ but he doesn't know anything about being friends so he's looking for guidance.

I wonder if Xion has become a little more alive since our brief interaction.

I hope I don’t get sent on another mission and miss the blooming of the teen known as Roxas. It feels like every day, a new surprise comes from the boy. A new smile, a new ‘emotion’, a new experience lived through him. Another laugh, on a twilit clock tower as ice cream drips onto our gloves and laps, quickly trying to lick up the melting treat.

He seems like the kid I left behind pre-mission when we leave the tower, relaxed and worry-line free. At peace, almost. It’s… certainly something.

 

* * *

  

Saïx. Frustrating as usual, but no matter. Telling me he was glad I escaped safely… I almost wish I could’ve received those words without having to prompt him for it. The more time passes, the further away he seems. His hunger for knowledge and information is something we both share, our plans and all, but… now that I step back and look, I can clearly see we don't cleanly align together as we used to.

In other news, I think that Keyblade master rubbed off on me in the castle. Roxas seemed more cheerful when I met him on the tower this afternoon, day seventy-two of what I’m using to count time, post Roxas in the Organization. I told him of my observation and he remarked that he could say the same about me. Me, cheerful? I don’t see it, the only time I feel anywhere cheerful is in the thrill of battle, but whatever.

It’s strange, the way the Nobody reflects the Keyblade master. They speak their minds, speak from the heart with no filter, anything and everything that comes to mind. I know most of what I say are riddles, layers and layers of missing context and hidden motives wrapping everything that falls from my lips. That’s just how it is. But Roxas, and even the master… how freeing it must be. I wonder if that’s just them, or if they’re both special that way.

He is intent on me meeting Xion, eating ice cream on the tower with them. As attached as he is to me, he has grown equally if not more to them. Good. He needs better friends, allies, than me.

 

* * *

 

We found the missing Xion, unable to summon her Keyblade. Odd. Even more odd, though, was her face. Her, feminine. Xion, a youthful girl about Roxas’ age, with Naminé’s face.

Something in me twisted when I first saw her. I thought it was from a nasty hit I took for Roxas when we were defending Xion from harm earlier but… I’m starting to think something might be wrong with me. This confusion doubled when, on the tower, Xion asks if I’m her friend, too. Somehow, so simple and softly spoken of a question caught me completely off guard. Strange, I know. I responded truthfully. As a friend of Roxas, she was one of mine.

These two kids… I think of the Keyblade wielder, of Naminé, of the traitors I removed from existence. And these two teens want to be friends with _me?_ I just hope they know what they’re doing. ~~I hope these two make it to the end of this, Kingdom Hearts, safe.~~

~~Keyblade master… Sora… what did you do to me?~~

 

* * *

 

It’s almost eerie, if endearing, they way they both turn to face me, Xion looking over Roxas’ shoulder to pay attention whenever I teach them something new.

They wanted to know about the differences between plain friends and best friends, today. My knowledge on it is admittedly limited. Lea had Isa, his best friend, and without a heart I obviously wasn't and still aren’t the best to try and explain or describe it vividly. That, and considering how far I’ve drifted from Saïx these days… I tried my best to explain it anyway, diverting their attention with the fact I don’t have one.

I think Roxas was a little bummed out I didn’t know how to explain it to him, especially when I tried to convince both them and myself that best friends can be inseparable even when apart. I wish I could give them a truth I knew of, completely.

 

* * *

 

Roxas is questioning our quest to achieve Kingdom Hearts. Neither he, or Xion to a lesser degree, can seem to wrap their heads around why they need hearts of their own.

Every day, the memories of having a heart seem to slink further and further away from me. Time and age, eroding my memories. Many of them are still fresh in my mind, though. What kind of man, a Nobody, would I be if I mouthed off about memorization to everyone else when I myself can’t remember the liveliness of having a heart? It’s so… hard to describe, that fullness. Of being complete. Now I just feel a little like Castle Oblivion. Pristine, clean, carrying the weight of ghosts. I’m not quite as empty as I had first been, but…

I need sleep. Too many missions, too much stress, in too little time. The C.O. plan has messed me up, thrown me off. I just need sleep.

~~Saïx… every day we grow further apart.~~

 

* * *

 

They asked me about my time before being a Nobody, today. I think they feel they’re not as valuable because they don’t have memories, aren’t as good as other members at certain things. They can wield Keyblades, but aren’t specialized in anything. No specific jobs and missions assigned to them for their skills. They seemed interested about me… Lea. I don’t suppose I’ve changed a lot. I feel like me and Lea… me and myself, we, I, haven’t changed much.

We had a laugh when I lightened the mood, even as they both gained a far-away look in their eyes at the thought of who they used to be. It’s just baggage, I think, but it seems to mean a lot to them. I hope they remember one day.

 

* * *

 

Xion can wield the Keyblade once more. I don’t know the specifics, how or why. Maybe there’s more to what’s going on with the Keyblade master. Each post-mission spent on the tower, these days seem to collect and grow as time passes. At this point I talk more with Roxas and Xion, laughing, teaching, sometimes just talking to the twilight for them to listen on silently, I do it all more than I talk with Saïx.

This must be what friendship felt like.

 

* * *

 

They actually managed to spook me today. I actually had a bit of a challenge with the heartless on today’s mission, temporarily overwhelmed. I pulled a second-to-last-resort and burned a lot of my energy reserves wiping them all out in one large inferno, until only the soft howling of the wind and my panting breath was left to disturb the land. I forgot I didn't have the safety of a partner to watch my back and got lucky. I'm getting sloppy.

Xion and Roxas had gone off, another attempt to get the Keyblade to summon again, and I’d decided to lay back on the tower, let the soft breeze ruffle my hair, the twilight calm and soothe my nerves until I went boneless. It's the best feeling after a long day of work, relaxing like that with the twilight softening everything. I finally had a moment to relax for once. My aching body thanked me for it, at least. I haven’t needed to burn that much energy and power in one go in awhile, and I’m still feeling it as I write this.

It’s the only reason they snuck up on me, even if they like to believe and would tell you it’s because they’re actually good at stealth. It’s endearing.

The actual summoning Xion manages to do is still a little shocking. Keyblades are powerful, mysterious things. Not my forte at all. But still, Roxas gives a happy _ta-da!_ and Xion can’t stop smiling, even as the blade disappears in a flash of light. Xion has a light of her own in her eyes, no longer fearful now that she can produce a blade. She seemed so grateful, enough that she thought she owed me for suggesting what would lead to her gaining the power back.

Just for scheduling them on missions together and covering for them? It was nothing, they did it all on their own, but they were insistent that I played a major role. Thankfully, she dropped the _owing me_ thing and agreed to just buy me an ice cream out of her own pocket instead.

Roxas doesn’t want anything to change. I know well enough that nothing stays the same. Such is the way of time, that all things change, but the two of them seem unsettled at that. I told them that as long as we stayed in each others thoughts, we would always be together. That it would be the same, yet different, still good, if we didn’t always meet at the tower or eat ice cream. Friendship isn’t specifically eating ice cream on a clock tower.

He laughed me off though, the mood returned to light and easy. I don’t ever want to get that mushy again, but the brightening of their eyes was worth it, even at the expense of their laughter.

~~Their smiles are radiant. The way they widen, slight dimples on both of them, so large their eyes squint with it. Those smiles, highlighted and framed next to each other, the background of Twilight Town...~~

 

* * *

 

 Saïx tried to manipulate me, today. With Xion and Naminé. To go back to Castle Oblivion. I can’t feel anything other than displeasure with him, nowadays. But our plan... I’m set on all the dirty stuff and such, clearing the way for him. I can handle wetwork. It means nothing to me, it means nothing to a Nobody, and yet.

A solo mission, back to the castle, after my mission with Xion.

 

* * *

 

After the mission with Xion, we waited for a Roxas who never did show. She confessed she can vaguely remember some things. Not quite memories but more sensations. The sound of waves, of talking with another person. She looked to me for guidance on her sorta-memories but I didn’t have much to offer. Still don't.

My memories have always been more a hindrance, a curse, rather than a gift and blessing. I wish I could help them.

 

* * *

 

Roxas had a day off, today. He wasn’t sure what to do with it, asked me what a summer vacation was. It seems like everytime I talk to him and Xion, it brings back memories of my human life, back when I was a kid at his age. It’s weird as all hell, thinking back and explaining a summer vacation from my own memories and experiences to a thoughtful, attentive Roxas.

I’m leaving for my mission tomorrow. I don’t know how long it will be, but I know it’ll be awhile. I’m worried that, with their track record,  something might go wrong while I’m gone. Xion just gave me an innocent look while Roxas made and effort but landed at sheepish. They had a laugh and I explained to them both of summer vacations and how the children their ages spent theirs, at least in my time, in my memories.

I almost feel like this is something more to be shared with Saïx, a Nobody of the human I spent a lot of my human life’s summer vacations with, but now I don’t feel like it. It’s strange but I feel content leaving the past as it is, missing what was. He told me earlier that I’ve changed but...

I’m not the one who changed. You did.

 

* * *

 

Roxas thinks something’s happening with Xion, having been avoiding us.

He asked if there was anything I couldn’t bear to lose, something he was thinking about because of a mission I hadn’t been there for. I told him that for Nobodies, it was the past. Memories that give us things we don’t want to lose. Roxas argued that he didn’t want to lose the present, with me and Xion, with him.

He’s scared, somehow. Without a heart. Of a world, without me and Xion. I think he’s just remembering the fear, from a memory he only recalls the emotions of. He seemed intent that it really was fear he was feeling, though, without a heart.

But Nobody's can't feel things. Not genuinely. We don't have hearts.

Whatever.

 

* * *

 

I think Roxas and Xion had an argument over something. It was probably nothing, but watching them, it’s disorienting. They seems so human. I hope he understood all I was trying to explain about pushing the wrong buttons, but I don’t think he has it all memorized.

 

* * *

 

Roxas keeps asking me about love, but I don’t think he gets what I try and explain to him. Every time he asks I get a little defensive, maybe. _Only_ a little _. Maybe._

I don’t want to answer.

 

* * *

 

Saïx is speaking in riddles again. Why isn’t Xion qualified to be one of us? He said to only look at her, but I don’t understand. She looks just like Naminé, but how are they connected? Maybe it has something to do with who’s Nobody Xion is, but all I know for sure is that Saïx is up to something.

Roxas. I had to tell him what I heard from Saïx, but the lie afterwards fell smooth, seamlessly from my lips. I didn’t want to think that I had lied, but telling all of it to Roxas and adding that Saïx would reconsider her if she performed well after waking up was one. A true, well-working lie was one that was woven into a truth, and I had done it without thinking.

I wouldn’t have even bat an eye at something like this not that long ago. I don’t know why everything is falling apart now.

 

* * *

 

Xion collapsed. If I had a heart, it would have simultaneously jumped into my throat and dropped like a stone. She’s out again, even if Saïx was more of a nuisance than normal, but safe in bed once more.

I comforted Roxas… I guess I have changed, since I met him and Xion, since I’ve returned from the mission at Castle Oblivion with the Keyblade master. I told him we were best friends because, of course we are. All three of us. Inseparable. I want to hold them close, keep them safe. They seem so young sometimes, it’s almost scary. It's bringing up memories… of a sort of fear. A protective, almost parental kind. It's...

~~Xion woke up. Turns out she had been listening in the whole time I comforted Roxas, the sneaky little thing. She said to me—~~

~~Thanks, Axel. You’re sweet.~~

 

* * *

  

The Riku Replica was most likely not unique, but I think I’m the only one who knew of his copying and ultimate formation of a sense of self. I knew this and still didn’t realize. But who is she a replica of? Naminé? Kairi? If neither of those, why does she have their face? Why was she accepted into the Organization? Even then, why was she struggling with the Keyblade and falling unconscious recently, time and time again?

Riku-Replica was a tool to be used– no. I should never have used him as I did. How is a puppet any less than a Nobody, a fake, mirror of a being, cursed with nonexistence? She is my friend. My best friend. Even if neither of us were meant to exist, that doesn’t make our friendship any less fake.

Doubt still clouds me, lingers, but the doubts, fears on their faces, the lingering image of a terrified Roxas as he watched Xion nearly fall to her not-death from the tower, it unsettles me more than anything.

I quickly came up with a trip to the beach. Our own summer vacation. We can all go, laugh about stupid stuff.

~~At the time… I think I felt something. Striking, painful. I needed to fix it, distract them. That’s all I do, huh? Run from my problems when they show up. I ran and deceived the Keyblade master in Castle Oblivion, manipulated Naminé and Replica-Riku, have used and destroyed so many Organization members, distract them from all this when Xion’s having valid, important problems we need to get to the bottom of.~~

~~Instead I filled their heads with a world free of problems, a world of hearts where everything is fine and we’re together. But, there’s a very real chance this world may never exist for us…~~

~~What is this? What is happening to me? What is wrong with—~~

 

* * *

 

I tried to keep her out of there. I tried. ~~I tried. I tried. I tried, I swear.~~  I didn’t want to hurt her, try and force her into anything. I thought I could talk her down, convince her with our friendship, my words, into coming with me back. The Axel of two hundred and fifty days ago would have stopped her before she’d even shoved him away. Would have hunted her down before she could even ascend the steps to the doors. Manipulated her with our friendship if that's what it took.

I’m just trying to hold it all together at this point. Everything's just falling apart at the seams, the stitches are strained, starting to snap under pressure. Xion… Roxas… I’m so sorry.

 

* * *

 

I’ve been avoiding Roxas. They both figured me out. Ha-ha. They must know me so well, to see straight through me like that, so quickly.

Xion is gone. Still. For good, maybe. I don’t want to think like that, but a Nobody has no heart to hope with. ~~So why does this hurt so much?~~

Roxas doesn’t know, doesn’t know any of it, but Xion does. We don’t have hearts, so we accept fact as truth. Something lies are beyond truth, though. Saïx would laugh at me, at us, calling each other friends and fretting as I do, but that doesn’t mean our friendships are as fake as he makes them out and believes them to be.

These two are special, the worst and best kind. Unique in every form of the phrase, but _nothing_ will change that fact that we’re friends. Nothing.

Got it memorized, Xion?

 

* * *

 

She’s with the impostor… the fake Organization member. Riku. It’s too soon to report it. I need to know why she was with him, first. If she’s siding with the hero of this story, it could mean erasure.

Xion… what are you doing?

 

* * *

 

Roxas doesn’t trust me, after everything with Xion. Lying, my second nature, is finally back in action, it seems. What’s a lie to a Nobody? A Nobody, incapable of feeling guilt or anything at all?

~~Why does it still sting when I lie to him? Ever since Roxas appeared, Roxas and Xion, ever since you two appeared and… blinded me with this illusion of humanity, something changed. It’s gotten worse, began to snowball after dealing with the Keyblade master. What is this? What did you two, what did you three do? What’s happening to me?~~

Nothing. is wrong. Nothing is wrong, and everything is according to plan. Everything will work itself out. I'm in too far. If I deviate, everything will be worse off. If I just stick to the plan and attack where they point and direct me to, Roxas will thank me in the end.

 

* * *

 

Xion is burning through missions, but with how Roxas is, what words I don’t know how to say, or what for that matter, I fear getting any more involved. Everything I touch just seems to burn and crumble in the end, huh? Even without orders from Saïx, I’d do anything to keep Roxas here with me. Only problem is, I’d do the same for Xion.

 

* * *

 

Roxas wants us all to run away together. To be happy, all three of us. Together. Me and Xion know this could never work out, but the thought… the dream, however idealistic… At least Xion and Roxas seem to have to memorized that even apart, they, we, are inseparable.

~~I want that too, Roxas. Maybe in another life we cou—~~

 

* * *

 

 _Thank you, Axel,_ she’d said. _Thank you, Axel. Thank you, Axel. Thank you, Axel. Thank you, Axel._ It keeps repeating, over and over in my mind, in my ears. Roxas is angry, hurt and confused, but mostly angry at me. She sounded so relieved, so why does it hurt so much? Roxas is angry, and Axel is angry at himself, Axel and I, are we still the same person? ~~Am I still me? And if not, who am I?~~

I don’t know how many lies I can stand to backfire on me before this is all over. All of this… it’s almost too much.

~~Thank you, Axel. Thank you, Axel. Thank you, Axel. Thank you, Axel. Thank you, Axel. Thank yo—~~

 

* * *

 

There is no future where we can sit and eat ice cream together, no future in no world. I know Roxas will never really understand. I don’t want to acknowledge this, myself.

Why does this hurt so much? Why can’t we just be happy? I wish I understood, but my motives in the Organization from the day the Nobody Axel came to be were always stick to Saïx’s plan and keep off the chopping block. It had never been a problem. I could always keep myself out of trouble, but then there came Roxas, and Xion right after.

This hurts as a Nobody… I can’t imagine having a heart now.

 

* * *

 

~~Best friends are supposed to be honest with each other.~~

You’ve just gotta trust me, Roxas.

~~I don’t. I can’t.~~

 

* * *

 

That’s not true.

That’s not true, Roxas. I’m so, so sorry you believe that. I'm sorry I let it get this bad. I'm sorry I let it, made this all fall apart. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you and Xion, couldn't keep you safe. I'm sorry. Whatever you believe... _it'_ _s not true._

 

~~That's not true~~

 

~~I would.~~

 

* * *

 

They think they’re right. They always think they’re right, and I’m sick of it.

Xion… Roxas… We’re best friends. It’s my job to bring you back, whenever you manage to lose your way.

 

* * *

 

~~Even as tamed as I’ve become with them, I’m a being of fire and ash. Of danger and destruction. I destroy everything I touch, even without my fire. This is all my fault. This pyre inside me… It’s burning me up, from the inside out. What is this? What the hell did you do to me? Why does this _HURT—_~~

 

* * *

 

Roxas is gone. It’s very _him_ to leave that WINNER Sea-Salt stick here. I’ll probably end up getting orders to chase him down, but I get the feeling that if I leave here now, it will be more permanent than any other time. I wish that the ~~three~~ two of us could’ve maybe had one more ice cream. But then again, I’d just say that and we’d never stop. I wish we could never stop having ice cream together, Roxas. Maybe one day, we can share some once more.

That’s what it is to be friends.


End file.
